I work as a dental hygienist two days a week which means my two and half year old daughter, Isabelle, is at my mother-in-law’s one day a week and spends one special day with her Daddy. I was asked to share my thoughts on retraining after a caregiver has been with my child. In my case this is one full day a week and the occasional trip my husband and I take. In addition my sister-in-law babysits most weeks for our date night and small group meeting from church.

Caregivers vary alot in their approach to discipline. Many are open to parents suggestions and are willing to continue your training efforts to the benefit of their own positive success. My first recommendation is to find such a caregiver whenever possible. Keep communication lines open with regular reminders of what skills you are currently working on and how. Remember to keep it short!

Family members can be excellent caregivers because they will love your child more, however this sometimes translates to spoiling. We have learned to value the relationships that our family has with Isabelle and have determined any retraining that is necessary to be worth the time our daughter spends with family, especially those who love the Lord and are living a life of example.

Our “how to” on retraining is two fold. First we are careful to communicate to our family about our training and let them know how they can support us. We know their resolve may not be the same as ours and that’s ok. Second, we are diligent in our training both the day before and after her time away from us, to reinforce our expectations and direction.

Lastly, we cover our daughter in prayer for her self-control development, so she may grow up to become a light for Jesus.

Last thoughts- my Mom ran an in home day care while I lived at home as a teenager and there are many little things I learned. Such as the little girl who walked for the first time, but the strict instructions I received to not tell her Mom that she walked in our home first. And the little boy who spoke in our home because my mother required him to, but wouldn’t say a thing to his own Mom as she allowed his pacifier to stay. And the child who had clearly recovered completely from his “boo-boo” and was playing quietly, but broke into full tears over it when his Mom appeared on the scene.

As I reflected on these times with my Mom we came to a conclusion that I also see in my own life. Children are brilliant and they know the expectations that are present in every care giving environment.

I will note that it seems to me that sometimes we take two steps forward in training and then the day I work its one step back. However, the reason maybe that days when I work MY parental resolve isn’t as strong as it should be. I’ve found its hard to find the energy to correct a child you haven’t seen all day and just want to love on.

Even if you don’t work outside the home there will be times we all need to spend away from our children. Be encouraged that the expectations and training you have done will not disappear, however you may just have to work a little harder to reestablish them upon your return. I believe children become stronger for the challenge.

Okay - ‘dinner with the Ezzo’s’

Yes, you read that title correctly, my husband and I were recently invited for dinner to the Ezzo’s home, with clear instructions to please bring our 2 1/2 yr old daughter, Isabelle. We are so privileged to have Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo living near us, and we have been even more honored to have them teach us some of their curriculum in our home.

Ok, my first thought after receiving the invitation was to procrastinate setting a date for at least two weeks (we’re really busy people using that time to train like a mad Momma to make Isabelle perfect. Then I realized how silly that was, Mommy won’t be perfect in two weeks …so against my first instinct, I chose: one night away.

The next day we vamped up our training. I hadn’t begun using the interrupt courtesy [rule] with her yet, mainly because we are still working on so much I had just put that on the back burner for a while. Not sure what possessed me, but thought certainly Isabelle could master learning the process in one day! Amazingly enough during our training time that day she did it beautiful!. She was even able to explain both the process and why to Daddy. Going good.

Next training activity: table time, coloring after dinner at the table to allow us to sit and talk. We have done this occasionally in our home so not new but something to work on. She aced it!

Finally, discussion and practice of how to greet and talk to the Ezzo’s. Perfection may not be that unreasonable after all.

So feelin’ good, we loaded the car the following night and were on our way. Isabelle was well-rested, had a snack, and even said she was excited about going to dinner at the Ezzo’s.

When we arrived Mrs. Ezzo greeted us and Isabelle did well. We then met their sweet dog Missy and Isabelle gave the dog a treat she had brought. All still going well. Next, Mr. Ezzo greeted us and gave us a tour of their garden-which was amazing!

When Isabelle was called, she paused; giving her my best “look”, she immediately responded with: “Yes, Mommy coming” causing her Momma to beam with pride. Just as I was beginning to feel a little prideful…

It was time for dinner and things rapidly ‘went south’; Isabelle interrupted too much and about halfway through dinner gave a loud scream. I assumed out of frustration, since she had been trying to get my attention and I was not responding quick enough to her liking. Fortunately, we were able to help her to reel in her emotions and she even apologized appropriately.

During our social time after dinner, Isabelle was excused from the table and given books to look at. She actually decided she didn’t want to sit and read instead, she decided her little hands would like to touch things that “are a No”!

So what did I learn as Mommy?

• First - although we frequently have dinner time at home we discovered we don’t practice enough ’sitting’ without the conversation rotating around Isabelle. With just one child it’s very easy for dinner to be short and sweet. Even at grandma’s when there are more people around the table, Isabelle is the star.
• Second, as Isabelle has become older, the boundaries in our home have also expanded. What I realized when visiting in someone else’s home, be it the Ezzo’s or yours, given Isabelle’s age and as her parents we should have worked on setting boundaries shortly after our arrival.
• Third, I should have excused myself from the after dinner conversation and provided eye to eye instruction.
• Finally, Anne Marie e-mailed me after our visit, “It was fun having the Wood family over for dinner - Isabelle did very well and we can tell you guys are ‘working on it’ Keep up the good work - it is a process.”Such encouraging words in spite of what seemed to me like a failure of an evening in may ways. Currently I am listening to a “Mom’s Notes” providing the reminder to keep my expectations in check while continuing to “work on it!” My prayer for us all during this season of parenting is to find that happy medium of motivation and patience, especially during those times we may be experiencing frustration and yes even a little embarrassment when all is not going as planned.

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up…A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

God’s Word repeatedly teaches us the value of true friendships and community, however I have noticed a theme in current parenting “pop culture” articles, one that pervades all humanity, but is especially difficult for Mommies. Competition. Seems we are all so desperate for one another’s approval we’ll do anything to get noticed, especially look down our noses on other Mommies.

You may have noticed that everyone deals with this differently. Some of our friends are amazing, they lend an ear and give wonderful unassuming advice. However, some Mommies become defensive and aren’t able to hold conversations about anything related to children. When I have experienced this it has made me sad that I don’t feel we are able to “sharpen” one another.

As Christ following Mommies working hard to daily train the next generation, one thing I know for certain, we need each other! Life is essentially about relationships, first with Jesus and then with others. Let’s put all the competitiveness aside and help one another.

The first step to supporting one another is beginning to truly love one another. Jesus teaches us “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13:35 When we know our friendships are based on Jesus love that helps us to relax and open up.

God has blessed me with all sorts of friends from varied walks of life. In my experience we need to have at least these 3 kinds of Mommy friends. Of course, all should be like minded to you and your parenting goals.

First you need a Mommy friend who is in the same life situation as you, similar age and number of children. This is your friend who sees you really doing life, and then makes the effort to tell you how awesome you are as a Mommy (even though she’s seen your less than pretty side too). She’s your sounding board, because you’re doing it all at the same time period you support each other during the difficult times. God was pretty cool to me when my next door neighbor had a baby girl just 4 weeks before me, and then to develop our friendship during our maternity leave that has become the most amazing encouragement.

Second you need a Mentor Mommy, someone who is a step or two ahead of you in life both spiritually and as a Mom. Ideally someone with more children than you, and who are older than yours. She’s your primary go to for the hard questions. This friend in my life has 5 children ages ranging 10 yrs to 1 yr old. The sweet part about her family is she has children of all temperaments and she has seen it all so nothing is a new problem to her.

Last you need a Mommy to mentor, one that is just a little behind you in life situation and with younger children. This relationship must be brought to you by God or they may not be receiving of advice. In my life this sweet friend has been so good to me. She makes me feel like I am the most amazing Mom, even though I always think I’ve given such simple ideas to her. In the same way I appreciate my Mentor, God has been able to use me to minister to another Mommy.

All of my Mom friends have either taken the GFI classes with or met through the local GFI community, and the love they have shown me truly lets me know they are following Christ in their parenting. Mommies everywhere, let’s unite to worship God in our friendships and parenting!

Lack of self-control is what two year olds are famous for. Commonly called the terrible twos, I really had no idea during the extra sweet baby time period what could possibly be so bad. Of course around 18 months we saw the beginning and now at 2 and half we routinely are working on impulse control. Many have even told me that three’s are even worse!

I think I was under the impression at some point that taking parenting classes would make my child instantly well-behaved. Its my choleric personality that drives me slightly crazy. SO what’s a Mommy to do?

What I have now come to understand (and accept!) is that the tools I learned in GKGW are to be practiced for long time periods before results are routine for children. Here’s the positive side-you will see results at some point if you are consistent in your training. Remember, begin as you mean to go.

Self-control training has been a three fold process for us. First we train in times of non-conflict by practicing “Sit time” where she sits quietly for two minutes with hands and feet crossed, ideally looking at her hands. This is practice for times when sitting still is necessary but also it has become a point of reference, essentially so she understands what we are looking for when we ask her to “fold her hands and get self-control” in public. This practice can be started in small increments of 30 seconds with a digital timer, and work up slowly.

Now I have to admit “sit time” when first explained to me sounded both impossible for a 2 yr old to do, and a little like torture (that’s the sanguine me). But I tried it anyway and have found the practice to be rewarding in real life. Be flexible and know that this is not a punishment but rather a happy mommy training time. Some days don’t go as well as others and that’s OK. Think, that wedding ceremony your child needs to sit through quietly. Or that family birthday dinner that’s gone a little too long.

Second, there are times I am able to anticipate an emotional outburst and shorten or stop it by asking her to get self-control. If I catch it fast enough she can occasionally reel herself back in. This practice helps children to recognize themselves losing control of their emotions but catch it and see how an alternative response is praised by Mom and Dad.

Third, there are the uncontrollable meltdowns we have come to know and love, and/or defiance and refusal to obey. These call for removal of my child from the situation, and isolation. Commonly called a “time-out” by popular culture we use these to help a child to release their emotions and then practice gaining self-control on their own.

Babies can be placed in a crib or playpen without play items, and a timer set for a short time period. Verbal instruction on the expectation to calm down and get self-control is given on the way to isolation. When the timer rings check on the child, possibly console and discuss why the isolation happened. If the child has not gained self-control or refuses to do so, another round may be needed.

Older children can be isolated to a designated spot in the home away from the family, and instructed that they can return to the family when they are “happy”. Apology and love are also required to whomever the emotional outburst was directed.

Finally, lots of love and praise for catching my daughter when she exhibits out of the ordinary self-control has been particularly rewarding for our family. Happy training Mommies everywhere!

When our daughter was small and we had unresolved night awakenings I would ask our local contact Mom for her magical solutions. Her first response was always “How’s your couch time?” BTW this is a common response from all GFI alumni, be prepared….

Ok I’ve Gotta admit when our baby was an infant I found this question pretty annoying, I mean really she doesn’t know when we’re doing “couch time”, right?

Here’s a refresher on the “Couch time” idea, if you need it.

Once we have kids its our natural tendency to place all our free time and affection upon them. They are just so crazy cute! And we’ve all done the work to get them asleep at a a reasonable hour so we’ll catch up with our spouse then. Hmmmm…..

Actually, babies and children need a structured time during their day when they see Mom and Dad lovingly communicating and not focusing all their attention on baby. It provides a sense of security on their world which mostly consists of YOU and Your spouse. (If you haven’t taken GKGW I highly recommend this lesson by Gary Ezzo, it was moving for me.)

Here’s the how-to. We put our daughter on a blanket near us with a toy or a book. We tell her Mommy and Daddy are going to do couch time and she must play quietly on the blanket until the bell (kitchen timer) goes off. We started with a couple of minutes and have worked up to 10-15 minutes (depends on if we really have that much to discuss). There have been a few couch times that were short because of her wailing so loudly we couldn’t really hear each other. However, we continued to make it part of our evening routine and she now has come to accept it and even enjoy it!

Guideline: this is not the time to discuss heated subjects. As a matter of fact there are days we know that this excersise almost feels like a show to us but one we lovingly do because we have now seen results of the security it has provided our daughter.

So we work on our couch time, and I’ll admit being married to a pastor and working part-time myself some days it just doesn’t happen. But here is what I have noticed over the past few months. If we miss one night its cool. If we miss two nights its iffy-she may wake up at her favorite “Mommy hold me” time, 3am. If we miss three night its definite-I will see her at 3am, might as well set my alarm.

Needless to say, couch time is really important to me too. Side note: my love language is “quality time” so gazing into my husband’s eyes as we “talk” about our day isn’t so bad for me.

Related post - Ask GFI: Couch Time